QUOTES

chris p: girl, pyam!

rod: sheeky llama, llama, llama! yo! imma get the lion king back. yo! mufasa ain't dead! mufasa, mufasa, mufasa! mu-fasa!! he ain't dead. he ain't got trampled by them deers! he was tryina catch em! and he caught up, you know? 'cause they got caught up in the action. they said, 'argh!' mufasa on him! he in his mind! he all up in the wiring!

rod: it's gonna be like green apples and sour eggs. no, sam i am! i don't like green eggs and ham! no, sam i am! you know green eggs and ham?
me: mmhmm.
rod: sam i am didn't like em. i don't like em in a box. i don't like em with a fox. i don't like green eggs and ham. i don't like em, sam i am! :: falls backwards into trashcan ::

me: :: to an extremely drunken rod :: hey. you ... wait. you can't ... it's not ... okay.
rod: who is she? she said i can't do nuthin.
jermain: that's because she lives here. and that's not yours, boo boo.
rod: can't stop me!

rod: it's the yellow and gray man. it's yellow and gray!

rod: and i'm monifah. uh-huh. and :: clap, clap, clap :: you know ... i got this wristband. uh-huh. on my arm. and and great american. yep. and i drink ...
me: too much.

me: i ordered chinese food an hour ago and it's still not here!
mom: china's a long ways away. it's gonna take a while for it to get there.

mike b: :: to the tune of nothing else matters by metallica :: i've never opened my butt this way. my stomach hurts and my shit is gray. i'm all out of stuff to spray and runny shit splatters.

mike b: ouch! josh i just broke your guitar.
josh: if you broke my guitar ...
mike b: i broke it. didn't you hear it say, "ouch!"

mike b: i'm gonna end every sentence with "dot com." dot com.

me: so would a hispanic hermaphrodite be called a shim-y-chonga?

peter: error.
ricky: it sounds like something you'd say after bad sex. error! delete! ctrl/alt/delete! end task! hurry!!

me: if the muffin man was gay, would he be a muffin top?

me: happy valentine's day!
grosh: happy muthafuckin valentine's day to you too, bitch!
me: oh! i got a "muthafukin" and a "bitch!"
grosh: you know you like this dick!

peter: i'm afraid of fictitious warewolves.
me: as opposed to real warewolves?
peter: yeah.
me: peter, all warewolves are fictitious.

me: :: after hearing peter talk for an exceptionally long time during a movie :: peter, honey, you're talking in the tv room again.

grosh: :: talking to charlie :: i've farted on hannah. i've farted on carrie. you're next.
me: and if you're lucky ....

grosh: im thinkin im takin a nap before my aunt gets here
me: alright. have nice nappy dreams!
grosh: haha have a nubian night!

me: :: calmly :: so, hannah, were you gonna hit that guy right there?

matt p: it tastes like a laser!

hannah: are you a banana? yes!

hannah: is it closed?
me: no, the building's just sideways.

hannah: how old is she? oh, she's 32.

mom: i remember him being sloppy and dirty.
me: i'm assuming the years haven't done much for him either. his family's the type of family that would have chickens. i don't mean like chillin in the backyard in a coop but more like, cruisin across the kitchen table while you're eating your nascar o's ... or whatever rednecks eat. the chicken's done shit in my cereal, ma! well, scoop it up with yer spoon fling it at your gram-ma to wake the bitch up and finish eatin, we're late for the tractor pull!

me: he's a redneck. i'm serious. i honestly think he bleeds flannel.

me: what is wrong with my phone? why does it keep doing that?!
jared: it has aids.
erin: wouldn't that be hearing aids?

peter: and i'm the drunk dumbass who would shit my shoes!!

phillip: i'm the santa claus of alcohol!!

jared: eff them in the a with a big ol' d!

me: you'd put a condom on a zucchini?
mike b: i don't want any std's.
me: well, it all depends on how sexually active the zucchini is.

me: :: to a total stranger :: you have another cigarette i can have?
mike b: :: on the phone :: you should have asked to borrow one.
me: borrow one? it's not like i can give it back to him when i'm done.
stranger: i wouldn't want it back anyway! what am i gonna do with a butt?
me: well .....

james: we were all holding a piece of him.

jared: you never hear of someone dying from just one aid. it's when there's a whole lot of them.

jared: :: walks in my apartment and hands me a piece of paper :: here. you're jacqueline early.
me: :: looks at paper for a second and then back at jared :: where'd you get this?
jared: don't worry about it.
(this is in reference to AAA fraud)

me: all my friends are gay. they could dress my car and make all pretty but breaking into my car would pose a problem for them.
peter: too much martha stewart and not enough oj.

hannah: and god is with us! why are you laughing? i don't understand! i'm stating facts here.

hannah: :: giggles :: gonorrhea.

hannah: :: out of nowhere :: meningitis!

matt p: :: sitting at a red light :: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Happy green light!!

hannah: feel my muscle!
matt p: no.
hannah: feel it before it goes away!!
matt p: it's gonna go away? poof! there it goes!!

hannah: what'd he say earlier? sour pussy?

hannah: we still have to go get a bootle of bon's farm!

hannah: i like my chemical romance better.
matt p: fuck my chemical romance. i like my band better! i'm the only member!

hannah's dad: :: yawns loudly ::
me: :: calmly :: hannah. your house is haunted.

hannah: :: writes on a napkin :: get out of jail fo free.99

hannah: :: in a southern accent :: turkey! gravy! mashed potatoes! stuffin! sweet potato casserole! aaaaaand pie! :: snores ::

matt p: it takes a lot of energy to suck that bad.

hannah: i'm glad we're friends. i love you. you're delicate.

hannah: :: yelling :: you wanna share one, bitch?!

me: my head has a mind of its own.

me: i sometimes feel guilty when I eat gummy bears.
mom: why?
me: because i wonder if the company sealed their mouths shut so we can't hear then scream when we bite into them.
mom: hand me one and let me see if i can hear it scream. :: takes one and puts it in her mouth ::
josh: :: muffled :: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

josh: pa-pa ... mama ... shut up!

hannah: :: rolls down window and asks a total stranger :: excuse me, can you throw this in the trash for me?

grosh: :: in a text to me DURING his college graduation :: are yall here? and if so isn't this all a big crock of shit? just gimme the fake piece of paper and lemme go

grosh: :: in another text to me DURING his college graduation:: i dare you to stand up and yell "i like rape!!!"

me: i should have yelled out, "that's my baby daddy!!"

outside: :: loud falling noise ::
hannah: some black bitch just fell down the stairs!

hannah: bring all my stuff from the bathroom!
me: i'm not an octopus, hannah!

me: i wish i had that thing in my car so we could listen to the ipod on the way.
hannah: we should bring my ipod! oh wait.

hannah: i feel like running.
me: well, go for it.
hannah: nah. it's just a feeling.

me: hannah, slow down. i'm fat. i'll have a heart attack.
hannah: if you have a heart attack, i know cpr.
me: i don't want to have one but thanks anyway.

hannah: :: talking about the mustang in front of us ::
me: :: as i'm coughing :: i'm choking.
hannah: oh. are you okay?
me: yeah. i got this.
hannah: that mustang has a good sense of direction.

me: holy shit! i think i'm typing in korean now! :: types some more :: yep. definitely korean. fix it!

kyle: :: sprays me in the crotch with a water bottle:: i got you wet!
miranda: :: takes water bottle from kyle and sprays him in the face:: no, kyle! no!

me: why do you have an epipen in your car?
grosh: he's probably allergic to bees.
jermain: :: nods ::
me: so are you allergic to any other letter of the alphabet?

jared: top of the muffin to ya!

me: it's saying volume too high.
peter: how does it know?!

jared: so who are you and who are you trying to fuck?

grosh: meail is a new faster form of email.

me: tell him, "yesterday i shat and it reminded me of you so fuck off."

me: :: after peter had a laughing fit for about 2 minutes over something that wasn't necessarily that funny :: after a while of being untreated, doesn't syphilis turn into dementia?

jared: aristocrat is so cheap it should be on a date with peter right now.

jared: peter. love you. love everything about you. wanna be you for halloween next year.

phillip: where's matt?
me: he's in the library doing some more o